ME: Yes, I need some assistance on my account
SUPPORT: Okay, can you give me your account number?
ME: No, that’s the problem, I can’t login to my account.
SUPPORT: Ouch. You can’t login online?
ME: No. Invalid password, but I don’t remember changing it.
SUPPORT: Well, there’s no way that it could be changed unless you changed it. Did you do the “Reset My Password” option?
ME: Yes, tried that, but apparently it is set to the last email account I had before I changed internet providers.
SUPPORT: Can you get TO that email address still?
ME: NO, or I would have DONE that. I said that I believe went to the last email account BEFORE I changed internet providers.
SUPPORT: So you can’t get to it?
SUPPORT: I can change it for you if you can give me your account number.
ME: THAT’S WHY I CALLED. I can’t get in to get it. I don’t HAVE the account number because I opted for the awesome new “paperless billing” your website kept throwing up in my face every 30 seconds until I relented during signup, so I don’t have ANY record of my account number, and NOW, the password maybe has been changed – and I don’t have it.
SUPPORT: Are you sure you didn’t write it down somewhere?
ME: NO. Everyone tells you to NEVER write your passwords down. EVEN YOUR COMPANY SAID NOT TO DO THAT IN ONE OF YOUR HELPFUL SPAM EMAILS.
SUPPORT: Okay okay.
<flipping and searching through obscure emails from 5 years ago. Find account number…>
ME: Hey – I JUST FOUND IT! Here’s my account number – 2k23883482012
SUPPORT: Just a couple security questions – What was your kindergarten teacher’s parakeet’s name?
ME: WHAT? You have got to be kidding me.
SUPPORT: No, we have that listed as a security question. It looks like you changed it when you moved to Vorkuta, Russia last week.
ME: I DID NOT MOVE TO RUSSIA LAST WEEK.
SUPPORT: According to our records, you did. You changed your password and security questions.
ME: I’m calling from Raleigh North by God CAROLINA in the UNITED STATES. I have NOT moved.
SUPPORT: I’m sorry, we have you listed in Vorkuta. I’ll be glad to change that for you if you can just provide the security answers.
ME: God help me. That last one was NOT anything I have EVER used.
SUPPORT: Want to try another one? All we need is a correct one.
ME: God help me. Let’s do it.
SUPPORT: Favorite movie?
SUPPORT: No, we were looking for “Driving Miss Davydova”.
ME: Where do you come up with “Driving Miss Davydova”? Does that even SOUND reasonable??
SUPPORT: Sure, since you are living in Russia, it makes perfect sense.
ME: I’M NOT LIVING IN RUSSIA.
SUPPORT: Uh Oh. I just got an alert from the credit department.
ME: An alert from the credit department? Seriously? I cant’ login. I don’t know the account number.. You can’t help me or even get me in the system until I… You DO know my account number, don’t you?
SUPPORT: Yes, sir, we actually do. Your old phone number triggered the credit department. And it looks like we should be able to SAVE your account! While you’re on the phone sir, I’ve been instructed to go ahead and get your account back under the credit limit after all your purchases last week when you moved.
ME: This isn’t my OLD PHONE NUMBER. I DID NOT MOVE.
SUPPORT: Regardless, we need a payment of 32,502,114.98 rubles to get you back under your credit limit. This needs to be taken care of today or your account will be suspended.
ME: I have no clue what a ruble is or what it’s worth because I DON’T LIVE IN RUSSIA. and 32 MILLION RUBLES???
SUPPORT: Well, if you’re in or back in “North by God Carolina” as you claim sir, it would be $520,038 in American.
ME: What in GOD’S name could I have spent $520,038 ON???
SUPPORT: Sir you can check all your purchases by logging in to our easy convenient web interface to get 24/7 account information and to see ALL your purchases. Just login…